This is how you critique!

I just got my review for my thesis back from the teacher. I enjoyed it so much I decided to copy it down here so I have it to read later when I'm not feeling the need to write, because that will happen, and this will help me.

Dear Adam,

Thanks for your excellent work this term. it's note very day I have a student pioneer a mode of narrative I haven't seen before. This is formally inventive work, and I'm very excited to see how you might use this new language to the advantage of your story and character. I think you've done a great job using your technique to keep the narrative fresh-- while, at the same time, never letting it feel rote or tiresome. Whenever a student tires for something radical, my fear is always that they'll wear out from so much going against the grain -- you've been able to avoid doing so here.

My other worry about your approach -- before I'd actually read any of your writing -- was that the voices of the characters would blend together. Again, that hasn't been the case. You distinguish Pia, Kendel, David, and Britney nicely. For the most part, I could tell who was speaking even if the name-headers weren't there. The only two who sometimes run together a bit are David and Kendel -- you might think about how to further differentiate their voices.

Throughout, your language and pacing really work. And your HUMOR-- so successful! You're a natural as far as that's concerned.

Since you seem to welcome formidable criticisms, I'll say this: reading through everything in context, the dream environments still aren't really working for me. They feel too stagey, too arbitrary, and even somewhat tone-deaf to the character's emotional realities.

If I were you, I'd think of it this way: what are some scenarios that really have deep, psychological resonance? Trapped in a maze or a desert island maybe? Trying to rescue people from a burning building? I don't know, but there's nothing about the medieval times or the 1950's that seems to speak especially to the consciousness of any of these characters. That's just not how dreams work, and so it feels like a projection of the author.

Instead, I would come up with four new scenarios-- and be sure that each one subtly responds to the mental state of at least one (or more) of each character. maybe Pia's is a huge hospital where the floors must be constantly swept clean, where Britney is consistently raiding the pharmacology lab. Do you see how much more clued in? I know you put them in character specific roles, but this just doesn't seem like the dreams these folks would have -- they're too particular, and have none of that universal subconscious language we all know from dreams: water, falling, lightness, and dark.

I'm VERY engaged by the sleep lab sections and the way you've set up the whole experiment. That's really excellent. I love, too, that Omel is the villain here -- as I mentioned int he forum, you might want to bring out that point of tension even more. I'm excited to see where you take that.

Anyway, excellent work this term. I've really enjoyed reading your stuff. Best of luck.

Joe.