Oh. . . where do I start with this one. This episode is all about pathological liars, compulsive liars, and people who just can't help but lie. The problem with this is that I am one of those people. I am a compulsive, over the top, lies on top of lies, sort of liar. I, logically, know that I shouldn't be lying, and that even in omissions of the truth I am lying about what is going on in my life, but in the moment I will lie up a storm if I'm not actively thinking about not lying.
We'll put it this way, at the MTC, while being a missionary, teaching the gospel. I would lie about my own life just so I could try to use some 'personal examples'. Why? Because I wanted to have personal examples, and so I could lie about it and make it happen. The biggest time I had to stop myself and I told everyone involved that I was lying to them and that it wasn't true, because even for liar me, I had gone too far.
I lie in classes, I lie to friends, I lie to family, and I lie a lot. It's been bad sometimes with how bad I lie. The tricky part is when people ask me why I lie, and I don't know. I don't know why I lie, I just do it because I want specific reactions or a specific story to be reality. Lying is my way to control what happens around me.
I lie about the smallest things, for no good reason. For example, I go to restaurants, and people ask me what name to call. If I'm not with people that I know, majority of the time I will use a fake name. It does not matter, it doesn't change anything, but I will lie to complete strangers about what my name is.
The trickiest part about all of this, knowing that I lie - a lot - if I don't pay attention to it (seriously, it's come to the point at certain moments where it's not even consciously making those actions) is trying to keep my life as honest as possible, and most importantly being honest to myself.
Recently, thanks to conference, the one lie that I realized that I've been living for far too long, is the lie that I've been trying to tell myself about my own personality and my own beliefs. I was lying to myself, thinking that I was doing good enough to be where I need to be, but the truth of the fact is that I'm not doing good enough. No matter how much I try to lie, and how much I'm trying to force myself to believe that I'm where I need to be, when I honestly sit down and realize it, I've distanced myself from the church. I believed, but my actions didn't act like I believed. I know that it doesn't make sense, but to me, and this blog which I'm mainly writing for my own brain and entertainment, I get what I'm saying.
In a wink and a nod to someone so I can explain more clearly - I was lying to myself about math problems. I thought that everything was good to go with math problems, that I was on that path. I lied to myself, but the honest truth now that I've got a healthy dose of reality, is that I was lying and I'm not where I need to be for math problems to happen.
The hardest part about being a compulsive liar is trying to fix it. It's easy to make lies, it's not easy to live what you were lying about. It's even harder to straighten out lies that you have told so people can understand the truth.
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