https://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/141/invisible-worlds
The problem about trying to make something invisible, is that to you, while you're in the middle of it, is totally visible. If you're in the world of radio or whatever else, while you're in it, it is exactly what you know and there's nothing new or exciting to it in any way. The tricky part to deciding about the invisible world I'm part of, is trying to guess of what other people think are invisible that I'm part of. To me, it's just another day at the office, something that I already know, but to everyone else, it's something new and elusive that no one else is part of.
The thing that I think is invisible to most that are outside of the world I'm part of, but they think is invisible, is the weird world of being an introvert. For some reason this seems like some secret world that those outside of it just can't seem to crack. It's a world of mystery and wonder, one where people do weird things for weird reasons, and seem to contradict themselves in the weirdest of ways.
Typically introverts are people that work best in smaller one on one situations. Where others feel power and a sense of belonging in a group, an introvert loves smaller, individualized, or even solo adventures. For example, tonight I was at a party/get together with a few of my old roommates. It was a mess of people and conversations bouncing around all at the same time. The kick to all of this is that I wanted to see my old friends and catch up with them - but I didn't want to do it all at once.
I hated the get together tonight.
The moments I loved from the get together weren't the massive group all talking at once, or even being the center of attention when one of my old roommates asked me a question and everyone else in the room started to listen in to my life about what I was doing with my career. The best moments to me were when I was in a corner talking to one friend, and no one else was listening in and I could say whatever I wanted to him and it was our conversation. All of the other noise that came with the party was just something to suffer through in hopes that I'd be able to find more of those moments of thought.
This only escalates when I'm doing things that I love or that are hobbies. I like my company. I like to be in my mind doing my own thing, which means that I don't play well with others because when I want to escape, I escape with the best company that I know - me. Just look at my hobbies and what I enjoy doing, none of them require another person. Even with the games that I play where it's supposed to be at least a two player thing (warhammer, D&D, even back in the day with MtG) I don't enjoy the actual game, I enjoy everything else around it that I get to do by myself. I enjoy D&D because I get to spend time alone with books and my brain, and occasionally suffer through a campaign game or two so I can spend more time plotting out the next story arc or what else might hook my players in.
Glowsticking - solo adventure.
Swimming - solo time, even though you're in a team, you never have to actual deal with anyone outside of occasionally passing them in the lane.
Tennis - at very most it was one other person on the court with me.
Writing - all me. It's just a glorified story time where I get to make whatever I like.
I enjoy time with myself dealing with what I love, but nothing in the world can make me feel anxious quite like being the center of attention in a social setting.
Tonight was prime time for that. Sitting along side the wall and listening into everyone else, and allowing time to just sit and listen, I sort of enjoyed. I could get all dark and sad saying that I was being overlooked or whatever else, but let's be honest no one can talk to everyone all the time. I enjoyed not having to talk to other people and just be there. The weird part came when I became the center of attention. When eyes were focused on me, I didn't like it. My answers became very short, I didn't talk in any form of sentences that made sense, and I just didn't feel right having people's eyes on me.
I don't like to stand out. I don't like it when eyes are on me. I certainly don't like public praise, and I don't like it when someone throws me under the bus with something like, 'I think Adam has something he'd like to say' in front of everyone.
Even in one on one situations there are times that I don't like it about me. Alicia and I were driving home from Las Vegas and she tried to turn the topic in on me and asked me what I was thinking about and tried her best to help me in writing. She was coming from a good place, but it only got more and more awkward, first because she kept talking about writing as if she was breaking out a secret that I had never thought about, but mainly because it was about me. She was making me sit in the spotlight, and it didn't feel right.
I don't like being the center of attention, I don't like all eyes on me, and I certainly do not like it when people are focused on me. I don't like large group settings, I don't like having a massive group infront or around me, and I hate the idea of small talk.
This is when introverts get crazy hard and people don't understand us because although I'm a total introvert and would live the hermit life if I had that option, I love teaching. I love talking in church. I love standing up and sharing my ideas about something that I'm passionate about.
That's the weird part about introverts. If you're talking to us about the weather, about whatever else is going on, or some weird small talk thing tht we could care less about, we'llchat, we'll play nice, but it's going to be painful for us. However, the moment you're talking about somethign that we enjoy, good luck shutting us up.
This is really confusing, especially to students of introverts. In the class my students see that I'm bouncing around talking about what I love the most, but as soon as I get outside of the classroom I shut down and don't keep to myself. One of my students actually found me in a Walmart once. They said hi to me, I said hi back, and then they had a serious issue because neither of us knew what to say after that. I wasn't going to go into a lesson about grammar in the middle of Walmart, and they weren't going to try to talk about their homework in the middle of Walmart, and we were stuck. They were used to me guiding lessons and discussions, and being the person who makes everyone around them talk more, but outside of the classroom, that's not me.
That's the trick to me, as well as most introverts. We will try to run and hide from you if you're talking about something that we don't care about o are simply not interested in. However, if you talk to us about something that we're passionate about and don't judge us in that passion, we're nuts. If you ever want to make friends with an introvert, talk to them about what they love. Let them show you that soft squishy side of them that they protect at all costs. You'll see a new side to them. A new person will break out of a cold hard shell that they've been practicing for years to build up. Tread carefully when you do break into that realm, because one wrong move and anything that you have been building up with that introvert will be ruined in seconds, and then you're stuck back at building that trust all over again.
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