Funeral Plans

I know, I know, it's sort of morbid, but for those that know me, know that I have a rolling funeral plan going. Say what you will, but the more I see people and the more I see funerals, I have a few plans of my own for my funeral, whenever that may happen. I'm not saying that it has to happen next week or anything, in fact, I sort of hope that it doesn't, I don't want you idiots taking half written stories of mine and trying to extrapolate them, I've got stuff to finish. However, I do like to have a slight running list of things that have to happen while I'm dead and people are stuck having to stand around and talk to me.

This one is a new addition to the list, thanks to Halloween, whoever shows up better be wearing WHATEVER they want. Whatever is them in an outfit, that's what you've got to wear. If you're you in tee shirts and jeans, then wear tee shirts and jeans. The more 'you' it is, the more I want you to wear it.

Suit and tie, shorts and flip flops, UFO's and a tank top, whatever, I don't care. You just have to show up as you. For example, Jared at work, if he shows up in anything less than something like this. . .

he's doing it wrong. This is him in this outfit. As weird as he could possibly be in this outfit, and as awkward as it is, I can't imagine him any more Jared than in this Jared outfit. I'm pretty sure that he was happier than ever than his normal jeans and black tee. Everyone at the funeral, you wear what you are most comfortable in (within reason, come on, my kid(s?) are going to be there).

Hmmm. . . can't remember if I put some of the other ones I've come up with for my funeral, so just to cover some of the list already -

1- Wear what you want, or rather what you're most comfortable in. If at least one person isn't wearing something crazy, I've done something wrong in picking friends in my life. Bare minimum, Alicia better be in sweats and a tee shirt. If you're in charge of the funeral and you see her getting into a dress that she hates, take a super soaker and spray her down. Rinse and repeat until the only dry outfit is sweats and a tee shirt, or maybe a hoodie.

2- Someone better share a story that was not written by me. Bonus points if it's one of the shorts that I like. No, I'm not going to tell you what it should be, you have to figure that out on your own, I'm not going to do it all for you! Nothing too long either, try to keep it down to something that can appear in an anthology.
2.1- if you're sharing stories that I like, bonus points if you can figure out how to share stories from games that I like. Assuming I live a nice long life, there's going to be people there that are somehow related to me, or maybe a friend of mine remotely removed, so they're going to miss some of the picture. Instead of telling them about my life and what I liked, actually share it with them. You can't say that I liked X, Y, and Z without actually showing them a bit of X, Y, and Z. You can't expect everyone to know everything, throw the audience a bone. 
2.2- Same goes for music, not just stories. And good luck crying to my favorite music. You cry to my favorite music while it's playing I will haunt you for at least a decade. Don't worry, I've got time.

3- Eulogy better include at least one story that makes people laugh, or at least shake their head in a good amount of shame, about me. I hate eulogies that make the dead person sound like they never did anything weird or wrong. I'm a big fat weirdo, don't you dare hide that when I'm dead.

4- Not really funeral, but death wishes. If at all possible, donate as much as you can of me to science. If I can help anyone with a pair of kidneys, lungs, heart, or whatever else, give it to them. Also, if I'm on life support, or where I'm not really ever going to be back, pull the plug. Suck it up, it's not the end of me, I'll be around, you'll see me in a bit, say goodbye and pull the plug.

5- Bring tennis balls. Throw them at whoever says "goodbye". It's not a goodbye, it's a see you later. If you plan to say goodbye, wear body armor, or bring a tennis racket. I better know at least one person with a decent arm that's willing to try to peg you in the head.

6- Totally optional on this one, but, if at all possible, pure request on this end because I don't even know if you can pull it, the big funeral service can not be at a) a funeral home, b) an LDS chapel, or c) graveside. Sure you can pull something smaller near the end of things graveside or something like that, but the big one where everyone shows up, there's eulogies, and what not, try to make it someplace normal. This thing is going to be anything but normal and I'd feel super guilty having tennis ball damage at a chapel thanks to some idiot saying goodbye and not knowing the rule. Be creative, do what you will, just not one of those three.

7- We're doing open mic night, and you can't stop it. Sometimes people got stuff they want to say. Say it. I'm dead, what's the worst that they're going to do? Let people talk. They don't have to, just give them some time to say something if they want. And if you do stand up during my funeral to talk follow the goodbye rule in fear of tennis balls, and keep it short, no one wants to be hanging out talking about a dead guy for that long.

8- Food, it better be good. If I wouldn't have seconds of it, don't bring it. I don't care how easy it is to make twenty gallons of frog eye salad, that stuff is nasty, get it out of my funeral, and make sure what you do bring is enough for people to get full.

In short, no one should be leaving my funeral uncomfortable, sad, or empty. If you knew me, you know that I never wanted anyone sad around me, why would I want that to be any different in my farewell party?

I'm sure I've got other plans scattered throughout other stuff I've written, do what you will with them. Or just ignore them all together, I'm dead, who cares what I think.