Interview

I wish I could be cavalier about going into job interviews, and saying that I wasn't rattled by them, but I have a big one tomorrow morning, and I even did all of my nerding out early tonight so that I could get to sleep so that I could be ready for the interview, but this one is getting to me.

Applying for jobs has hit that stage where I'm starting to doubt myself and I don't even want to apply. I was qualified for a lot of the jobs that I've applied for, only gotten interviews with a few of them, and I'm still sitting where I'm at. There has to be something wrong because if it wasn't wrong, then I SHOULD have a job by now. It's gotten to the point where I'm applying to jobs that I don't even want, but have qualifications for just because I want to see if I can get a job offer.

I don't have a job, so there has to be something wrong. Jobs can't be wrong because I have the qualifications required for them, the experience they're asking for. My resume can't be wrong because it's great enough to get me interviews. That leaves one thing left, the interviews. They have to be wrong, because up to this point the interview has meant that the company thinks that I'm interesting enough to talk to, but then they take a serious look at me and BAM there goes every last chance of me getting the job.

On top of that, money just got tight around our home. Between my job and Addison's day care we're breaking just about even between those two, and that leaves us not much else to work with. All of Alicia's job is paying bills, and we're not saving much/any of it. It's getting to the point where it hasn't been said yet, but the logical deduction is this - either I get a better job so I can contribute more, or I stay home with Addison more so that her daycare doesn't eat as much of our income.

This lead to one of the weirdest and scariest ideas from Alicia that I've heard in a while - I go down to Las Vegas and teach for CCSD. They need English teachers - http://ccsd.net/employees/resources/pdf/desc/lp/secondary_teacher_english.pdf and I could fill the position, if I just talk to a person in the district and push a bit, I'm about 98% sure that I could get a job, but I'd have to do it now, and I'd have to push hard. The only down side to this? I'd have to leave Alicia on her own with Addison, I'd live with my parents until I could find a place, and I'd be teaching most likely in a high risk school where my students are all borderline drop outs, under reading levels, and have no clue what I'm doing in the least bit. Sure, I'd get money for it, and sure, it'd be nice to do, and if I was living in a fantasy world where only I mattered, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but then the simple truth comes out that I have a family and I'm a father and I need to care for them, and the question is asked if I can care for them better when I'm in a different time zone but providing a bigger paycheck, or can I provide for them better when I get a horrible paycheck but can at least help care for my daughter and keep Alicia from going insane?

I wish I had an answer to which one I should follow and right now I'm stuck in this paralysis of it all. I can't go to sleep because I have to figure out what to do next, I can't stay awake because I have the interview, I can't write on DA because I'm distracted by this whole job situation, I can't focus on the job situation because I don't know if I'll do well tomorrow and have a new job, I don't want to get my hopes up so I should put in for CCSD just to play it safe, I don't want to put in my application and really push for CCSD because I have no clue if that's what I really need to do, and now I'm stuck, on my couch, trying to get the initiative to do something but the paralyzing pressure from everything else making it so that I'm going through my Facebook page and Imgur for the fifth time tonight even though I know that nothing new is going to be on either one of them and best case scenario they just help me push a few minutes to the side that I won't have to think about things.

It's moments like this that I started writing.

Writing, books, games, everything that I love to do comes down to escapism. I don't like this, so I'm going to write something that I do like. I'm going to play a game that has a story that I do enjoy. I'm going to read a book that makes sense and is controlled. I'd normally run to the escape route and try to disregard all of this junk in my life. This is when I become anti-social, I clam up and bunker down into a safe routine. This is when I would put on headphones and turn them up to max volume no matter where I walked. This is when I want nothing new, I don't talk to anyone, and I dump everything in my brain that's not being used on school or work onto something that isn't real, but I'm supposedly an adult now and have to deal with it, and I don't like it.